Sometimes a person looses something so dear to them that they feel like they are going to die. Others feel that same loss and nothing happens. They turn to alternative methods, ways to escape their realities with alternate realities. Drugs, shrooms, acid, LSD, marijuana, cocaine, angel dust, liquor, alcohol, sex, that one thing that will free them from what bothers them. The thing is, no matter how hard they try and no matter how far they run, it's all in vain. Your still running in the same place, and you will never get past it until you face it head on. Sadly, most of us can't do this, I know I can't. Though my reality isn't going to be replaced with anything. I hate drugs, drinking doesn't solve anything, and sex, well I don't see what the point of having sex is if you are just doing it to vent, though many people say it's a wonderful way to release stress. I can't do that, it just seems so pointless, and this isn't because of my distaste for people, and my disgust for the human body. No, that is far from that. This is because I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest, they stuck their hand in, pushed through the skin and bone and took hold of my heart. With venomous lips, I was bestowed a kiss, to distract me. See when your dead, nothing really bothers you. Feelings are pointless. You really don't need a heart beat, breathing is over rated. You become numb, and everything fades to gray, shades of gray, not even black or white, just gray. It's enough to drive you insane, but the thing is, you don't care, you just don't care. None of it matters, why should it when you cut yourself off from humanity. When you take away the one thing that makes you human, your emotions and your heart, then why should it, why does it matter? When you learn to cut those off from your body, that's when you are free. It is then that you are fully liberated, and that you have nothing to loose in this world. A nuclear winter could occur, and you wouldn't even think twice about it. At the same time, you loose that spark that brings you to life. You loose that one thing that really keeps you bound on this earth, and the one thing that makes this place worth living. You loose your humanity. The thing is, when you live in a world of humans and you are in fact a human, you need to have humanity to survive, or so I see it that way. Why on earth would you willingly choose an existence with no purpose no reason what so ever? If that's the case, why do you bother to live? I am not sure,  I can't quite say, I am still trying to figure it out. However, I think there is only one thing that is worse than no real life to you, no real human nature, and that's when you had it, lost it, are given it again and then killed. That's what happened with me and that's what ales me. When I least expected it, during that kiss it ripped out my heart and it squished my lifeline within it's grasp.
     At this point you think 'Jesus Christ! My heart's been ripped out, I am automatically in pain', but that's not how it really happens. You sit there for a moment and you look at the one opposite you. You look at it and stare it down. It will be staring back at you with the most twisted and malicious grin upon it's face, and you realize then, what is happening. It is then when you realize that the humanity you thought you lost, that you thought was taken away from you, you realize that it is there, and it was given back to you.  God that pain is unimaginable. It is the most agonizing feeling in the world. It is then, when the fragile body that is the human mind, heart, and soul actually shatters and splinters. The heart is broken and the mind knows this, but it is unable to keep up with the heart, resulting in an overload followed mental break down. Your poor body can't keep up with you, how sad is that? The soul, it just feels like someone took a giant vacuum cleaner and shoved it in your stomach, turned it on suck and ripped it clear out of your body, along with all your other organs and emotions, and that's when things start getting bad. When the heart, mind, and soul are hurt, the body goes into self destruct mode. Of course, self destruct mode is just for those people in which I described. The person, it looks for a pain to replace the pain it is feeling at the moment. This logic is simple all you have to do is ask yourself this How does one distract one's self from preexisting pain? Simple. One puts new pain in their system in order to take their mind off of the pain that is affecting them at the moment. A good majority of the time it's physical pain. Emotional pain is by far the worse of the two. Emotional pain doesn't fade away after a few seconds, minutes,  hours. Emotional pan lingers and festers within your body. It doesn't reawaken when something touches the wounded spot on the physical body. It never goes away until you have accepted the situation and are ready to move on. The pain is always the same, never shifting, unchanging. When you wake up the next morning, that pain is going to be at the same level in which it was yesterday, and the day before that. This pain, it eats away at you, and makes you do irrational things, stupid things. Things you would never imagine yourself doing in any situation, like braking your knuckles when you punch a door as hard as you can. You look back on the situation when you feel better and have moved on and you think to yourself "What the hell was I thinking then?!"....